Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Meaning of Life

I need to stop smoking weed. I need to stop drinking. I need to fucking find myself...

I've made a few new rules for life:

1. Never have sex again until marriage.
2. Especially don't have sex with someone if it's only the first night they've shown interest in you, no matter how long you had a crush on them.
3. No more drinking. It gives you poor judgement and leads to stupid decisions.
4. No more smoking. It seems pretty fucking good for you (makes everything seem happier, makes you more creative, allows you to process your thoughts better), but it makes you irresponsible, and makes people disappointed in you.
5. Always have some sort of job, so you're doing something and feel like a more valuable part of society rather than just a lazy bum with too much time to think.
6. Stop sleeping with your contacts in, even if it is only for a few hours.
7. Don't waste your time on guys as long as you're in school.. Just focus on your work and get good grades. Even if you go out to a club with some friends and some guy hits on you.. Realize that the kind of guy you meet at a bar is not the kind of guy worth keeping, and forget about him.
8. Never underestimate the power of a warm shower.. It can make you feel better physically and mentally.
9. Keep your nails painted, it's more attractive and girly and makes you happy when you look at them.
10. Never look back on the past. Yeah, things might have been good while they lasted, like me and Greg... But everything that comes to an end comes to an end for a reason... Never forget that reason, cause it will always be there, no matter how many times you may try. (which is why couples who are constantly breaking up and getting back together never last for good.. they're afraid of being alone, but know they're not compatible. If they were, they wouldn't keep breaking up... and that is how I'm feeling, afraid to be alone, but thinking it's easier just to give up and go back to what I'm familiar with, or comfortable with, rather than doing the right thing and moving on with my life...)
11. Never give up. Things might get hard, but you'll always make it through.
12. Some things are greater than yourself.. Sometimes there is just a bigger plan for you, and you just need to let it happen, accepted it.. And learn from it.
13. Age is just a number. Don't bother trying to "act your age," just be yourself!
14. Take care of your teeth.
15. Learn how to give people space. Not everyone wants to be near you or talk to you every time you want to.. So just accept it and move on with your life instead of dwelling on things happening that weren't meant to happen, and that they don't want to happen.
16. Find out who you are, always be yourself, and never lose sight of who that person is.. Realize your changes and accept them.. But never become a stranger to yourself.
17. Blood is thicker than water. Always put your family first. And close friends are family, too. Don't let any water come in between you and dilute your blood.
18. Always tell the truth, and be completely honest. Sometimes that means not being nice, but it is better and easier in the end than being nice and leading people on.
19. The harder the time in your life, the more worthwhile it is in the end. Sometimes it's necessary for things to hurt so much, because if they didn't you wouldn't truly learn from it.. If you didn't know what kind of pain a certain mistake would bring you, you would just keep making the same mistake over and over. Pain is a necessary part of learning and growing, and if you never experienced all the bad times, you'd never be able to truly appreciate all of the good times.
20. Life is short. Don't waste it. Live the best you can, and live only for yourself. When you start living your life just to please other people, you're not really living.
21. Some of the hardest things in life are just tests. It's impossible to study for them because you can rarely see them coming, but you just do the best you can and even if you fail, you're still learning.
22. Take good care of yourself... You only get one body, and if you treat it like shit it will fail you. It's like owning a car. If you take care of it by giving it an oil change every time you need one, by fixing even the littlest problems before it makes anything else worse, and by using preventative maintenance, it will last you a lifetime. If you treat it like shit, and put bad things into it, like watered down gas, and old oil, and never fix anything, it will fail you.
23. Never forward junk email.
24. Never feel alone. Just because someone's not always showing you they care doesn't mean they don't.
25. Don't neglect people. Never treat anyone with less respect than you would treat yourself, and always treat them the way you would like to be treated.
26. Don't talk about people behind their backs. Never say anything about anyone that you wouldn't say to their face.
27. If you're ugly on the inside, you're ugly on the outside. Be beautiful to people, and you will be a beautiful person.

I guess that's it, I'll shut up now.

You're waiting for a train that will take you far away...

I'm going to write my thoughts here, cause I can't write them anywhere else, and I feel like I'm in a weird mood and so I need to write my thoughts and ramble.

I saw Inception today.. It was really good. I half watched it one other time, but I missed SO much of the beginning, which I found out today sets up like the whole movie... But this time around, I watched it all from start to finish, and it was amazing... I've always been really interested in dreams, and the concepts they express throughout the movie seem very cool to me... Since I half watched it a few days ago, I decided to pay more attention to when I was dreaming and to try to be more in control, and I had some pretty sickass dreams. I hope I can dream tonight and it will be even cooler since I got to better understand a lot of the concepts today and stuff.

I burned myself with a lighter a few times.. I did it all in the same spot so it would hurt more and leave one big mark instead of a bunch of little ones. To me, a bunch of little ones seems worse than one big one, and besides that way if you can see how many time you did it you start to realize you have a problem and rethink it and stop doing it. Like how an alcoholic stops counting drinks.

Anyway, I think it's interesting that as I kept burning myself, the parts of my skin that got really hot were indented and now that I've stopped for a while they're raised out and puffy and hurt like a bitch.

I don't know why I push people away. I do it to everyone I start to care about.. I have some sort of trust issues I need to work on...

Yesterday I hung out with Morgan and we went on Chat Roulette. We saw a video of a dead man hanging from a noose. He killed himself and put it on the internet for the world to see. His body was still swinging a little, in motion.. I can't get the image out of my brain. I couldn't sleep at all last night, all I could think of was the dead man swinging from the rope, and I keep seeing him now, too... That was the first dead body I've ever seen and it's going to haunt me for life.

Now I can't eat because I keep thinking about him swinging there, and it ruins my appetite.

I wanted more than anything to just lay in the grass and let the rain fall on me tonight. It was a perfect night.. It was warm, and there was no lightening. I was in the mood for it, but I never ended up going. Maybe one day, I could.

Thursday night I was working and Matt asked me to go outside for a little bit. I saw the fireworks but I tried to ignore them because I was on the clock. Then I looked up and saw a big silvery white plume of firework light up the sky, and in the direct center of the plume was the moon. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen... I can replay that image in my head over and over again, too, and that's an image I much prefer.

I guess I'm a pretty visual person, in that I can see things like photographs or videos in my mind. I wonder if normal people can do that, or if I'm just weird. But sometimes my images are so vivid it feels as if I'm reliving it, not just merely recreating it. I think it's the attention to details and being able to reproduce even the minute detail that makes my memories the most amazing, but it is also that very fact that often leads to my downfall.

The other night I was driving home from Morgan's at 3am, and the sky looked an orangish red. It looked like it was on fire, not like a sunset at all, but like lava. I liked it a lot.

Broccoli is very good. But this broccoli tastes like chemicals. Maybe I should get the organic broccoli from now on... Skid's treat.

You really can't use "Skid" and "treat" in the same sentence.

I can make pretty good lomein. My fried rice isn't bad, either. And I bet I cook it with a million less calories than the average chinese person. And maybe mine even tastes better. I've had some pretty flavorless chinese food in my day, and it just doesn't cut it, sister.

My orientation for UAlbany is supposed to be Wednesday.. We'll see how that goes, I think I still owe them money and can't go until I pay. And it's my last chance at one, so let's hope that all works out..

Everyone acts like I made "such a huge mistake in going to Hartwick" (which I did) and that I should have gone to Albany "in the first place." What they fail to mention is that I was told "UAlbany is the school your sister chose, you two need to branch out from eachother, you can't just stay rooted together forever.." which was their mistake. No one would have let me go to Albany if I tried, especially not my Grandma Dewey. But my family is full of saints, and don't you forget it.. They can do no wrong, so it is entirely my fault.. Whereas I prefer to acknowledge the fact that we all fucked up.

I never had such weird tasting broccoli in my life.

I think it's lame when people say they don't want to hang out with you cause it's "too late" and they want to go "straight to sleep..." Then they stay on facebook until three in the morning.


I don't know why she chose that song to play as I was breaking down. Maybe it was fates way of saying there are better things to come... Or maybe karma hates me, and enjoys seeing me suffer.
My life has been a maze of weird, and I've just been wandering through it trying to make it through to the peace at the end.. The place in my life where everything is all figured out and makes sense. But, I can't seem to find my way... I've been struggling with it for almost 21 years now, and the last 6 have been particularly hard. Maybe what I need to do is just break out of the maze all together... I don't need to follow it's paths, getting lost and wandering in circles... Instead, maybe I should just tear down the walls and cut straight to the point. See where that get's me... Maybe that's all I ever needed.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I'm sick of kissing frogs looking for prince charming. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to have to settle... I'm sick of getting hurt.

I'm just looking for friendship. I just want to be alone... I just want to live my life. Some people like to try to make things complicated. I make things complicated... I broke rule number four.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Frank Sinatra

Tonight I listened to the guy everyone at Giovanna's calls "Frank Sinatra." He is some weird guy with a creepy roadie who sings old people songs... And the funny part is, I had at least four old people complain that they didn't like the music and it ruined their meal. I joked and said "Yeah, I've heard that quite a few people have complained about his singing, I don't know why they still let him perform here.. But I'm very sorry about that." and laughed, then the one lady said "Well, add us to the list of complaints! We don't like him at all!" hahaha A few different times throughout the night, he went right in the middle of the walkway where all the waiters and waitresses and customers walk, and where I need to walk to bring customers to their tables, and I was going to say "Sir, this is a high-traffic area, and we would appreciate it if you would go back to your designated singing area." but I decided it would be rude. If Morgan was there, I definitely would have said it, because he has the same sense of humor I do, and he probably would have thought it was funny, rather than me just coming off as a bitch with no one to take it as a joke and laugh at it with me.. At the end of the night, though, I told Marnie how he was annoying me when he was singing right there, and going up to tables and harassing customers, and she agreed it was annoying, so I pulled out my little punchline and she laughed soooo hard... She was like "high-traffic area!?!" hahaha so at least I know she would appreciate my humor, too.. It's always hard when you first meet people, judging if they can take your particular style of jokes or if they take things too seriously, especially when you're in a professional work environment.. So it's good to know I work with people who have a sense of humor, rather than a bunch of boring people.

I really like Jeff, too.. I don't know how he got such a bad rep, but before I met him everyone was building him up to make him seem like some big, scary guy who has no feelings and just pushes people around.. But he has been very nice to me. Yeah, he raises his voice sometimes when he is trying to get his point across, but that's just how some people are.. Greg was always like that, and so wasn't his Grandpa, so I guess I'm used to that by now, but as Emily says, "he means well," and I think that definitely shows. He and Sonya have somewhat of a war going on, it seems, and I had been completely neutral about the whole thing up until tonight... I could see both sides, and see where each of them were coming from, but after tonight I'm completely on his side. Sonya definitely overstepped her bounds, and started trying to seat people who I had been asked to put on a wait list for a table, since they hadn't made a reservation and we were full. I thought it was pretty disrespectful of her, and she completely disregarded everything I told her when I tried to correct the situation and fix everything by ripping the menus out of my hand and seating them anyway. The whole thing really upset me because, as Jeff said, "you can't let people walk all over you.. This is your dining room and you're in charge and you can't have people taking control from you like that." I guess I was just shocked, hurt, and felt disrespected about the whole thing... Australian Bob was there for that little spat, and I think he talked Sonya down and made her realize she shouldn't have done that.. I'm not going to hold it against her, but I can definitely see why Jeff has his problems with her, now.. And I'm not choosing sides, but I guess it takes actually being involved in a situation to see it more clearly, and to learn who is more in the right than the other person. Besides, I guess Jeff was told to fire her by someone with more power than him, and he wouldn't do it, so it goes to show what good of a guy he is... That, even if he doesn't like someone, he's willing to give them a chance and the fact that he didn't jump all over that opportunity just goes to show how much he really does care. I feel like if Sonya stopped being so crazy all the time, she might be able to see that he really does have good intentions. Most people are just out for themselves, and I feel like maybe that's why they give Jeff a bad rap.. Because maybe he doesn't always do what's necessarily "fair," like giving Morgan less tables than he gives Curtis, but what he does is in the best interest of the restaurant as a whole.. He looks at the big picture, and he looks out for the interest of the majority, rather than of personal interest... And it works. I don't see anything wrong with it at all, I feel like as a boss, that's what needs to be done. You can't always make everyone happy all the time, but they'll get over it. And what really matters is the success of your business because, as long as you have people coming in the door, you're doing well. And Jeff does what he can to get people coming in the door, and that's what really matters.. Because if we didn't have that, there wouldn't be as many tables to wait on in the first place, so there wouldn't even be anything to fight over.

I guess The Georgian hosts a lot of weddings, too.. This is the second night in a row we had one. Morgan worked at the wedding, so he had to wear a funny outfit that made me laugh.. When I first got the job there, Matt told me I would "sometimes be working at the banquets and weddings in The Terrace room," like Morgan and Wendy did tonight.. I think that would be nice. I've never been to an actual wedding, but watching the movie The Wedding Singer always gave me this notion that it would be really cool to work at weddings.. I mean, people are genuinely happy on their wedding day, and happiness is contagious.. I just think it would be cool to be in that kind of environment, and to see different styles of weddings and stuff like that.. All the beautiful dresses, and flowers, and cakes.. I just think it would be nice, even if I had to wear a silly outfit. I have a feeling though, that Matt just kind of said that without realizing, because I really don't see what there is for me to do at one of those banquets or weddings. They don't need a hostess for those sorts of things, they just needs servers and a busboy. Maybe they would let me serve, since you don't actually wait tables.. People order ahead of time and you just bring them their plates.. Or even if they let me bus, that would be cool too... I mean, I do like hostessing, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but see everyone else do their jobs and thinking they might be more fun. Plus, there are strength in numbers, and I guess I'd rather feel like I can relate to someone like "hey, we both do this job! we're equals!" instead of "I do this, you do that.. I'm going to boss you around even though you're older and more experienced than me." I don't like that. Though, I don't boss people around, I just kind of try to help things flow a little better and just listen to Jeff and take his advice a lot, and just pass it on.. But I definitely don't boss. I'd like to act like we're equals, but only if there is a mutual respect between us.. Like I respect them and what they do, and hope they respect me and what I do, rather than me turning it into a dictatorship. However, when people "walk all over me, and take control of my dinning room," like Sonya did today, it hurts because it just seems like the respect isn't there.

All in all, I do like work though.. The people are great, and there's a good environment.. And I really do like working in a restaurant setting. Maybe next summer I can work there again, only maybe I could give Emily her job back and do something else, who knows..? But it's a nice place to be, either way :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Georgian

Today was my second day of work.. I like it. My boss, Matt, is really nice and funny.. He makes jokes like "ok, the next old person to walk in here... The next old person to walk in here, I'm going to hold them down, alright...? And then you're going to start punching - not kicking, just punching - as hard as you can until they get outta here! I'm sick of old people, man!" he definitely makes things more entertaining. I hear my other boss, Jeff, is really mean, though.. I get to meet him tomorrow. No one seems to really like him, from what I hear, even Matt doesn't like him, but I guess he lets people out really early so that's not bad.. Tonight we got out pretty early, so that was nice. I got to work with Emily, which was fun. It's good having someone to be able to talk to, because otherwise you're just sitting there bored, waiting for people to come. Sonya works as a bartender there, too, in the same area I work, so Australian Bob has been by both nights I've worked, which has been nice. Today we talked about Australia, and surfing, and painting, and everything.. It was nice. And his artwork as evolved sooo much since the last time I saw him! Everything looks so smooth and fluid now, almost like photographs.. His style has gotten very realistic, and it's very impressive. He says just like with anything, practice makes perfect, and he's right... It makes me want to start painting again so I can get good. He kept telling Emily I was "a great painter" and built it up like I had so much talent when, honestly, I don't. I wonder if he is still using oil paints, because he definitely mastered the art of them if he has which, from my experience, isn't an easy task. I always preferred working with acrylics better myself, because oils are like a whole other ballgame, but he just dove right into them, and now his stuff is amazing. I can't get over how good his paintings look, now. He also said that I should go visit him in Australia sometime, and I think I will. I've always wanted to go to Australia, I've had this burning desire for as long as I can remember, for some reason... I think it would be nice to live there, too... I think I'm going to save up my money and go visit there at some point, maybe during winter break. It would be a nice vacation because our winters are their summers, and I would love to go there when the weather is nice, especially if it means avoiding our shit Upstate New York winter weather. hahaha

I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to handle myself this summer because, I've always wanted to go to Australia, but talking to Aussie Bob just always made my desire worse, hearing his cool expressions and hearing about how awesome Australia is.. Every other summer it was alright, because I didn't see him too often so I had a few days in between each meeting to recover from my fantasies of traveling to Australia, but now that I'm going to be seeing him like every day, I don't know how I'm going to keep myself in America. hahaha I guess it will give me an incentive to save my money, though.. So I can go on the trip one day. One day hopefully soon. I should be making good money at this place, so I'll just try to spend as little as I can.. We'll see how it goes.

Maybe I should tell someone else to start saving, too, so I have a trip buddy... But I doubt anyone could save that kind of money or, if they did, that they would want to blow it on a trip to a place literally on the other side of the world.. I think plane tickets are somewhere around two thousand dollars, then you have to worry about hotel accommodations, food arrangements, and spending money for souvenirs.. It would cost a pretty penny, so I unfortunately might have to get stuck going alone.. Which, I have a feeling, I wouldn't enjoy so much.. Maybe I can make Maddie go with me, I know she's dying to go back to Australia.. Only problem is, she'll probably already be back by the time I get the money saved.. :( But oh well, I'll figure it out eventually, but it would be cool to see that dream come true.. Then next on the list would be England! :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

When the rain washes you clean, you'll know..

Now here I go again, I see, the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering
What you had
And what you lost...

I think it would be cool to run away for the summer... I could live like a gypsy, or something. I don't need much; I could live off the land and be one with nature. I guess it doesn't make much practical sense, but it's something I've always wanted to do.. I guess I was just born in the wrong time period. Maybe I should have been born in the 60's or 70's or something, back when everyone felt that way.. But nowadays, everyone would think I was crazy if I went off away from society, and did my own thing.. Just to get away from all the computers, and phones, and technology, and leave it all behind for a while.. I'm not saying I have a problem with technology, but people have become very dependent on it and, I feel like there is a certain freedom you can obtain away from technology.. I guess I never realized it until I didn't have a cell phone anymore. I never realized how much life I was missing until it was gone.. I was constantly checking the time, or burying my face in my phone just to talk to people, most of whom I was never extremely close with.. I know people who do pretty much nothing but text, even when they are around people and could be enjoying their company and having fun.. It's an addiction, but it's one of the ones you think "oh, it's just a phone.. I can quit using it at any time and be perfectly fine..." until the battery dies, or you forget it at home, and you're engulfed in a feeling of loneliness, like something is missing.

And yeah, I agree it's a good feeling to be connected to the world, and to know you have the opportunity to communicate with anyone at anytime.. But a lot of people abuse that freedom, and it ends up turning into something that holds you back, rather than something that benefits you. And I also feel there is a great feeling in just being disconnected from the world.. Not knowing what time it is, or what day it is, or what your next meal will be... Just living life day by day, second by second. Why does everything always have to be so planned out and manipulated? We read in magazines and online to do certain things, or not do certain things, and we just listen like mindless drones.. Society has us all on a short leash, and I guess I just want to break away...